2th of Auct, in the year 219 after Deadhaus.

The day started like any other, me being left alone in my studies, digging through ancient books trying to decipher long since forgotten languages from before the rise of deadhaus, then I was abruptly interrupted by a knock on the door.
Before I could even tell whoever was so rudely interrupting my studies to go away the door was opened and a servant handed me a letter on a silver plate with a wax seal of the Empire, I quickly grabbed the letter ushered the servant out and read the content of the letter:

Your presence and expertise is being requested at the Frontier village in the southeast reaches of the Empire, a coach is already waiting outside and ready to embark.

Well, of course it is, there isn't exactly many in the empire that have specialized themselves in ancient languages, who else in the Empire can boast about being able to write in 7 languages that no longer exist? But what about the assignment i was already working on? These things don't exactly translate themselves you know, one cannot simply leave a manuscript mid translation like that... I'll head strait for the Headmasters chambers, give him a piece of my mind is what ill do!
Is what i though would happen, instead I was almost pushed strait out to the coach while being told this new assignment takes precedence and before I could even ask what it was about I was told we keep the letters of the Empire vague for a reason Hans, as if I didn't know that, this assignment better be worth my time.

11th of Auct.

Whom ever said "Existence is pain" was right all along, I was blind but now i can see, or rather, feel... I am still surprised just how much the buttocks can hurt even though I've done nothing but sit in this damned horse drawn box of torture for mere 8 days, I'll never complain about a light back pain from sitting hunched over reading books late into the night ever again, I swear to everything that I hold holy!

13th of Auct.

After 10 and a half excruciating days of travel, we have finally arrived at a very small frontier village close to the border of the Deadhaus territory, I am too hungry and too tired to write anything more.

14th of Auct.

I've finally been told the reason for my summon; while the locals were digging out the foundation for a new building they found the existence of a ancient building even deeper down under the planned depth of the foundation, and what might very well be the dig site of the century, even deeper still they found an intact basement under this ancient house, and the content of that basement can simply only be described with a single word, treasure-trove. I almost don't know where to begin! I feel like i am 25 again.

15th of Auct.

I've spent the whole day categorizing the scrolls, books and a stone tablet, I barely found the time to write this, there is just no time to waste, led alone rest it's time to put my skill to good use, this is where my talent will outshine anyone else, there will be no sleep tonight that i am certain.

29th of Medilun.

As far as I know I should have deciphered the Stone Tablet now, both Archivist Alexi and Head Librarian Tomas have not only read through my notes they even helped me find some real obscure books in the locked section of the library from the capital that were of great help and we have all combed through them and arrived at the same conclusion,
As far as we can see, i have indeed cracked the linguistic code in this ancient language and the tablet should have been translated correctly, yet none of us seem to be confident after having read the end result.

The Translated Tablet

" I will admit there is so much I do not know, so much I have forgotten... I am so old I no longer remember my name. When I try, there is just a vague sense of lingering emotions, mostly anger and hatred, adorned with flashes of faceless people, souls I must have known before but which are now strangers to me. It is like a parchment without writing on it, shattered and broken memories of a life, long since past. A life I can no longer quite recall.

I do happen to remember a time before the vampires walked the land, however. There were wars then, and there are wars now. So much has changed, and so much is just more of the same. Yet, I still walk on this realm, without knowing the reason why… and I have forgotten more than most will ever know.

I am old, very old. So I implore you, ponder just how insignificant you are to me. If you get in my way, I will not even hesitate, for I possess only hatred towards this existence. I must continue roaming, even though I no longer remember why, as this is the only purpose that I have left… "

The books were old, some of the scroll's wore even older, and miraculously preserved in that basement, I may add, but the tablet, the tablet has to be at least 1.900 years old that much is certain, the language chiseled in that tablet is just that old, my god at least 1.900 years old, possibly closer to 3.000... Could it really be that the dead already roamed the earth that long ago? How could this be? Either way, what I must do now is deliver my notes, write my final report on the subject and do something about my aching back, i mean how hard can i be to get a comfortable cushion around here?

Still i wonder, at least 1.900 years?

– Hans von Richten, Inquisitor of the Thacean Empire
 
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I really like this, and I don't think there is anything that is truly wrong here, but I would recommend to work a bit on the layout, such as either romoving the xth diary entry, or putting it above the date. Unless Hans von Richten actually writes down which diary entry it is when he starts writing in his diary?
 
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I my mind i guess it's someone else, or himself copying a few pages from his diary for that final report or someone later on looking through his diary and specifically reading/copying a few specific pages out of it, i wasn't exactly sure where to go with it.
 
I would still put the "xth entry" above the dates. Also, you forgot to label the entry at the 14th of Auct as a seperate entry, which confused me at least about what dates belonged to what entry.
 
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My first impression after the initial read is that it is somehow both dragged out and cut off at the same time, if that makes sense. Each entry is too short yet the sentences themselves are too long and use a lot of commas. The perspective is someone writing a journal so personalized and train-of-thought structure is a good idea, but must be executed with care. Visually speaking there needs to be more formatting- you can use bold for the dates, for example. Each day doesn't need to say "in the year 219 after Deadhaus," just give the date casually. Maybe have one main big title where you can use that phrase but it doesn't need to be repeated so frequently.

First Diary Entry: The day started like any other, me being left alone in my studies, digging through ancient books trying to decipher long since forgotten languages from before the rise of deadhaus, then I was abruptly interrupted by a knock on the door. Before I could even tell whoever was so rudely interrupting my studies the door was opened and a servant handed me a letter on a silver plate with a wax seal of the empire, I quickly grabbed the letter ushered the servant out and read the content of the letter:

I think "first entry, second entry, etc." is also unnecessary. Either use the date itself to show a new entry or use the numerical structure but not both. One thing I do like is how SASSY he is. Whoever was "rudely interrupting" his studies, that's a nice line. Since it's a journal I like the addition of his obvious annoyance and train of thought there. It also shows what he values and that he thinks highly of himself.

"Your presence and expertise is being requested at the Frontier village in the southeast reaches of the empire, a coach is already waiting outside and ready to embark."

Does he have an opinion on this? Does he know what it means? It's fine to use it as a cliffhanger closer for that day's entry, but to me it kinda hangs there when I want to hear more of this guy's inner monologue. Also maybe instead of quotes use italics, but that is mostly a stylistic choice.

3rd of Auct, in the year 219 after Deadhaus

Second Diary Entry: Existence is pain.

11th of Auct, in the year 219 after Deadhaus

Third Diary Entry: I am still surprised just how much the buttocks can hurt even though i've done nothing but sit in this damned horse drawn box of torture for mere 8 days, I'll never complain about a light back pain from sitting hunched over reading books late into the night ever again, I swear to everything that I hold holy!

13th of Auct, in the year 219 after Deadhaus

Fourth Diary Entry: after 10 and a half excruciating days of travel, we have finally arrived at a very small frontier village close to the border of the Deadhaus territory, I am too hungry and too tired to write anything more.

The second entry is only one sentence that is kind of confusing, what is he referring to? He was just in his study, he got a letter, then is suddenly super upset at something but doesn't say what? This might be more effective once we know that his 10-day journey traveling is painful, but we have no info of that prior to his statement of "existence is pain." The more I look at it the more I think using the date instead of "first entry, second, etc." is much better. For someone who keeps a journal, the numbering is arbitrary. Dates are how one journals. I do like the day's ending of "I'm too tired and hungry to write anything more," it gives it a nice personal touch.

14th of Auct, in the year 219 after Deadhaus

I've finally been told the reason for my summon, (not comma here, either semicolon or colon) while the locals was were digging out the foundation for a new building, they found the existence of a ancient building even deeper down under the planned depth of the foundation, and what might very well be the dig site of the century, even deeper still they found an intact basement under this ancient house, and the content of that basement can simply only be described with a single word, treasure-throve. (trove)

This sentence is entirely too long. Break it up and add some more of those personal touches like before. "what might be the dig site of the century!" Is he excited about that? Show more tone and how he feels about it. This long sentence with FIVE commas is overwhelming. Have him explain more and add more of his opinions. Was the travel worth it? When traveling maybe he even grumbles about how this "better be worth it" and complain more, to lead up to him being pleasantly surprised that it was, in fact, worth it.

15th of Auct, in the year 219 after Deadhaus

Fifth Diary Entry: I've spent the whole day categorizing the scrolls, books and a stone tablet, no time to rest it's time to put my skill to good use.

You've done a good job writing from the perspective of a slightly-arrogant scholar, but this sentence doesn't fit the tone you've been cultivating. He sounds bored, like he couldn't be bothered to write about something he should be ecstatic about. Give him some more personality here.

The translated tablet is awesome! I really like it. Just one minor grammatical point: So much HAS changed, not have. I only suggest giving your protag more personality in his last entries. He sounds bored again when he says "luckily this is above my pay grade." I am confused by this sentiment. Was he not excited to be called on for his skill? For someone who spent his entire life studying you'd think he would have been thrilled at this opportunity and be giving it a lot more thought than he is. Complaining about the ten-day journey back is good, but he should be... I don't know, happier? Concerned about his findings? He should feel something about what he has just spent so much time on. If he is an inquisitor then he would be ruminating a hell of a lot more. I think his entries should be a little longer, each of them. Really lean into how you decide to make his personality, be it arrogant or just smart-sounding and impatient. Overall I like it and it's a cool idea! Keep it up ;)
 
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My first impression after the initial read is that it is somehow both dragged out and cut off at the same time, if that makes sense. Each entry is too short yet the sentences themselves are too long and use a lot of commas. The perspective is someone writing a journal so personalized and train-of-thought structure is a good idea, but must be executed with care. Visually speaking there needs to be more formatting- you can use bold for the dates, for example. Each day doesn't need to say "in the year 219 after Deadhaus," just give the date casually. Maybe have one main big title where you can use that phrase but it doesn't need to be repeated so frequently.



I think "first entry, second entry, etc." is also unnecessary. Either use the date itself to show a new entry or use the numerical structure but not both. One thing I do like is how SASSY he is. Whoever was "rudely interrupting" his studies, that's a nice line. Since it's a journal I like the addition of his obvious annoyance and train of thought there. It also shows what he values and that he thinks highly of himself.



Does he have an opinion on this? Does he know what it means? It's fine to use it as a cliffhanger closer for that day's entry, but to me it kinda hangs there when I want to hear more of this guy's inner monologue. Also maybe instead of quotes use italics, but that is mostly a stylistic choice.



The second entry is only one sentence that is kind of confusing, what is he referring to? He was just in his study, he got a letter, then is suddenly super upset at something but doesn't say what? This might be more effective once we know that his 10-day journey traveling is painful, but we have no info of that prior to his statement of "existence is pain." The more I look at it the more I think using the date instead of "first entry, second, etc." is much better. For someone who keeps a journal, the numbering is arbitrary. Dates are how one journals. I do like the day's ending of "I'm too tired and hungry to write anything more," it gives it a nice personal touch.



This sentence is entirely too long. Break it up and add some more of those personal touches like before. "what might be the dig site of the century!" Is he excited about that? Show more tone and how he feels about it. This long sentence with FIVE commas is overwhelming. Have him explain more and add more of his opinions. Was the travel worth it? When traveling maybe he even grumbles about how this "better be worth it" and complain more, to lead up to him being pleasantly surprised that it was, in fact, worth it.



You've done a good job writing from the perspective of a slightly-arrogant scholar, but this sentence doesn't fit the tone you've been cultivating. He sounds bored, like he couldn't be bothered to write about something he should be ecstatic about. Give him some more personality here.

The translated tablet is awesome! I really like it. Just one minor grammatical point: So much HAS changed, not have. I only suggest giving your protag more personality in his last entries. He sounds bored again when he says "luckily this is above my pay grade." I am confused by this sentiment. Was he not excited to be called on for his skill? For someone who spent his entire life studying you'd think he would have been thrilled at this opportunity and be giving it a lot more thought than he is. Complaining about the ten-day journey back is good, but he should be... I don't know, happier? Concerned about his findings? He should feel something about what he has just spent so much time on. If he is an inquisitor then he would be ruminating a hell of a lot more. I think his entries should be a little longer, each of them. Really lean into how you decide to make his personality, be it arrogant or just smart-sounding and impatient. Overall I like it and it's a cool idea! Keep it up ;)

I have tried to do as you suggested, removal of some of the redundancies, added some more personality, so now more input is required.
 
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These edits are perfect!! It's really come together and his personality really shines through :) Good job!! One small grammatical edit: in the beginning you use the word "cause" instead of "course" when writing "of course it is." I love it, fantastic job!! :love:
 
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These edits are perfect!! It's really come together and his personality really shines through :) Good job!! One small grammatical edit: in the beginning you use the word "cause" instead of "course" when writing "of course it is." I love it, fantastic job!! :love:
A little Late ( Okay, very late ) but I just wanted to thank you for your inputs and time you spend helping me with, well everything from the gramma, structure, input etc this whole story came together because of you.
You where crucial to the entire thing coming together and without you it would never have been good enough to be hand picked by the dev team for a radio play :)
 
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